literature

New-Age Zombies

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When it comes to zombies, most of us know what to do when an outbreak arises: escape the city/house/graveyard/etc., destroy the demon responsible, reverse the spell, find an antidote for the virus, kill the retard who read the enchanted book, or just blow the whole damn zombie horde up. Easy. We've all seen it done thousands of times before in the movies, and we all know that the equipment and knowledge required to perform these tasks will be found with a fair amount of ease, right? Right.
  
But that's just your garden-variety zombie. Slow-moving, mindless, not really too strong. You can easily beat them to death just by cracking them in the head a few times with a hockey stick. Failing that, you can usually hide behind a wooden door and be safe until they either get bored or starve to... second death? These are the zombies most of us will encounter during our respective zombie-based adventures.
                
However, you need to also be aware of another kind of zombie. I like to call them "the-crazy-pumped-up-zombies-of-absolute-death," but my friends usually start complaining when I keep that up. Ergo, they are hereby dubbed "new-age zombies" or just "newzies" for the purposes of this sugar-induced rambling.
                
Anyway, newzies are pretty rare, but may the powers-that-be help you if you ever run into one. New-age zombies, despite their name, are not of the friendly variety who hang out in shops that sell books about healing and fun-smelling herbs. No, new-age zombies are the steroid-pumped versions of their more familiar brethren. They are very fast, easily able to keep up with you on foot and can even catch up with a car if the vehicle is within range when you start driving; they are strong enough to knock down that wooden door that protected you so faithfully in outbreaks passed, and with enough time, they can also beat a gaping hole in the six-inch-thick steel wall of your panic room; lastly, they are also really smart - rather than run after your car or punch that hole in the wall, they will take the liberty of destroying any and all vehicles in the area beforehand or patiently try millions of password combinations while you starve to death without an exit. It's just easier to eat a human that's already dead.
                
Need I say that you don't want to run into them? No, I don't think I need to. However, for those of us who either actively seek out zombies to kill or just have the horrible fear that you'll be caught in an outbreak, I've decided to inform you of the best possible ways to deal with these suckers should you ever meet one.
  
First off: recognition. How do you tell a newzie from your garden-variety undead person? The most obvious thing about them is the way they move. Unlike our usual lumbering, stumbling, blundering friends, newzies walk in straight lines without tripping or bending in uncomfortable angles. They may be chewed up, bloody, and dead, but they still have their dignity. As I mentioned, they won't hesitate to run at you, either, and they're damn good jumpers, too. Theoretically, they would be good dancers, but I'd rather not be the one who attempts to find out.
                
You can also tell a newzie by the eyes. Most zombies usually just happen to stare vaguely in your direction while they hobble towards you. A new-age zombie, on the other hand, will stare at you with purpose as they bum-rush you at 30 mph. You'll also notice that, if they haven't seen you yet, they'll actively investigate noises and observe the details of their environment. If you see a zombie looking up thoughtfully at a replica of the Mona Lisa, you might want to quietly back out the way you came.
                
Finally, if a zombie talks to you, just pray to whatever deity you recognize that they aren't hungry at the moment. New-age zombies can speak and will often say something to unfortunate wanderers and zombie-hunters that enter their line of sight. What are they like personality-wise, you ask? Kind of like a serial killer, usually. A hungry newzie will think out loud about how warm you blood will be and how tender your flesh is going to be - so easy for his rotting teeth to chew - before he starts to taunt you about your hiding place, should you have one. On the rare occasion that he isn't hungry, though, that same newzie will just chat on endlessly about photocopiers... I'm not entirely sure why. I think that particular guy was on crack in life.
  
Moving in an onward direction, we need to discuss just how likely it is that you'll meet a newzie. During a non-outbreak, non-trapped-in-a-haunted-house situation, the odds are nil. Unless you're barred against an attack as you read this, you've got nothing to worry about. During a wide-scale outbreak, you've got about a .5% chance of running into one, so even those of you who are barred against a city-wide attack can carry on with the normal protocol.
                
No, friends, what you really need to look out for are small-scale zombie infestations and outbreaks. Why? Because usually, this is where you're most likely to run into them. These particular events are either composed entirely of normal zombies or of new-age zombies. It's that simple. If you're barred in a room against a household-spanning attack with a bunch of chatty undead cannibals, you're pretty much screwed unless you've prepared yourself properly (this will be discussed in a little while).
                
Why do small-scale attacks have so much risk involved? Mainly because newzies are usually specifically created as a group. Afterwards, they disperse into small groups or go on their own, but they stay within a fairly close proximity to their origin point most of the time. The result is the age-old saying of, "If there's one, there's hundreds."
                
So, small infestation = very big problem. What to do? How can you protect yourself and the world from these beasties without getting yourself killed? Will you be able to do it before your downloads are done? All very good questions... good, completely valid, questions.
  
Well, first thing to do is to be prepared. First off, here's some things to remember to protect yourself from the odd wandering newzie who happens to be far from home: While a panic room isn't going to help you by itself, a trap door leading to an escape route works fine so long as the zombie doesn't find out about it. If you happen to be really rich, why not have an entire house built out of that six-inch-thick steel? That will most definitely give your decomposed little friend a problem. While he's trying to figure out the quickest way to get in (those reinforced windows should be as far off the ground as possible, by the way), you can utilize that escape route and get to the armored car and rush off before he knows what's what.
  
Alright, what about those of us who don't have the money to do that kind of crap? Well, the normal home offers pretty poor protection against the new-age zombie, so that'll bring us into weaponry. The best, off-hand weapon is a Molotov cocktail. No foolin'. Despite being gods among zombies, newzies are quite susceptible to explosions, just like most other things on the planet. In fact, fire in general is good against a variety of undead monsters. Cremation, much? If you can get close enough to a newzie without getting eaten/crap-beaten-out-of, a metal baseball bat can do wonders, as well.
  
On to fancier weapons. We've established that the cocktails will work in a pinch, but it's ever better if you have heavier explosives. Flamethrowers are absolutely fantastic at dispatching them, as well... just... don't burn yourself or your allies in the process. That would be bad.
  
Guns, guns, guns. Normally, I don't favor guns, but when it comes to these guys, they can come in handy. However, you have to make sure you get them in the head!!! All the font styles in the world cannot help to stress the importance of head-shots, otherwise it's just wasted bullets. If you lack the precision to do that, use a bazooka (my personal favorite weapon against newzies). Bazookas can solve a lot of monster-related problems.
  
Let's see... anything else? Well, there's swords, of course, but like the baseball bat, you need to both get close and not die at the same time, so I wouldn't recommend it. Again, work the head. A zombie without a head isn't going to do much eating, now is he?
                
Weapons not to use: Normally, a tank can also do a lot of damage to zombies just by rolling over them, but it would just be too slow to work on newzies. All your typical at-the-ready weapons - iron pipes, golf clubs, hockey sticks, wooden bats, chairs, etc. - are CRAP against these guys. Don't even bother. If you can manage to get them to stand under something heavy without realizing that they're about to be crushed, fine. Otherwise, forget it.
                
Now, the absolute best weapon against these guys is a living one. What is it, you ask?
                
A mutated. Carnivorous. Rabbit.
                
Don't ask how I found that out... it was less than pleasant. I don't know how or why, but a meat-eating mutant rabbit can tear holes in new-age zombies, and can even face off against several of them alone. If you manage to get a human-friendly bunny, that's even better. So... good luck finding one. I used to know where to get them, but that place blew up some time ago. I don't know if and where they breed them now.
  
So that's about it. I know it doesn't sound like there's a lot you can do, but I'd rather not run into another newzie just to see if there's anything else. If you get any clever idea, let me know and I'll pay some guy to test your theories... And no. I will not pay you to do it. Nice try.
This was originally titled "New-Age Zombies and What To Do About 'Em", but deviant doesn't allow for such a long titles. :explosion:

This started from a conversation in Gaia cinemas. I was watching "Night of the Living Dead" with several other people, and we started talking about how zombies could be made scarier. We decided that speed, strength, and intelligence were needed for this, and this kinda came out of it a day later.

Ever since I watched my brother play the original Resident Evil when it first came out, zombies have been an odd source of fear for me, though it's not as bad as it was when I was little.
My brother could tell you though, that ever since then my characters in certain games have been specifically designed to kill zombies. In Neverwinter Nights, I would actively seek out zombie-infested areas just to kill the little sonsabitches. Fear my ranger/cleric zombie-beat-up powers!

And for those of you who caught the reference about the rabbit, good job! Otherwise, I might as well tell you: the mutated rabbit is actually a vague reference to Senshi, my fluff-mutant (though I've been thinking of renaming him). He's not entirely carnivorous, but he does kick zombie ass... and a lot of other ass, too, come to think of it.

As usual, I'd like to ask that you leave a review on the ficwad version: [link] and read my other stories there, as well: [link]
© 2007 - 2024 FelisRin
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TeiOuja's avatar
I suppose you could make zombies scarier. Namely through one factor-have the protagonists be unarmed, alone, and sealed off from the outside world. Think of how Alien worked for claustrophobic horror and apply it to zombies-a tightly enclosed space [such as a submarine, a military bunker, a hospital or an aircraft] basically crawling with the undead hordes-and no way out of said situation. Oh, and the Zombies could be more spiritual, acting via a hive mind to corrupt as many souls as possible by killing every last living being on Earth.